I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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