is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize