I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My bed smells like the plague
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
