Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
