Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
