good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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