You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
