She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
