I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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