so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize