Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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