Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
