my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
