we have pet lesbian snakes
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize