I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
