Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
