I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
