Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
