I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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