he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
