so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
