just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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