This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just cropdusted the office
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
