Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
