I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
