Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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