it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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