I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
