I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
