I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
