THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
