My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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