i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
