I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
