My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My legs feel like baby dolphins
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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