I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
