Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
