I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
