eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
