I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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