Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i believe in u and ur pee
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
