Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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