Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
