I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
