When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
