Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
