your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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