I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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