i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
