Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
