i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
