A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
