Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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