I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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