If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
