Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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