i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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