omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You dont lie about slip and slides
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
